All Along The Watchtower

Life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride for the past few days.
Dad came back from Africa.
Dad getting a new Job.
Classes duration increasing from 3 hours to 7 hours daily.
I took the left road.Not the right one.


Met up with my school friends as well as my new college friends today.Had a blast.I laughed SO hard that my stomach is still facing the Consequences.



But My classes ka notice really freaked me out today.
I'm going to have 7 hours of lecture everyday from the 9th of april.
Just for MHT-CET and HSC.
What are going to happen to my dream of getting into BITS pilani?
I actually thought i could finish the CBSE portion on my own.But this schedule just screws things up.Its screws things up BAD.


IIT,i realised, is not my cup of tea.I am have already wasted enough time to actually prepare for it.Plus, as i realised is that not getting in IIT is not that big a deal.Its just another institute now.Maybe it was not JUST another institute 10 years back.But it is now.


That reminds me, Dad gave me an hour long lecture on how I should study economics after 12th of i dont get into a good engg college. "That is another short cut to getting an MBA degree because thats what you wnat in the end of the day isnt it?" were my Dad's exact words.
He said " I have seen the world.And i know for a fact that engineers dont rule the world.The managers , and the economists and the financial analysts do."

Anyway, back to the point.Classes for 12th and MHT-CET for 7 hours a day.
Hell.

I am scared.I really am.
I am scared of becoming a failure.
Scared of disappointing my parents all over again.
Scared of loosing self-respect again.
Scared of people.Scared of people the most.

I am still losts in the woods.
The owls are hooting.
I can hear the tiger roaring.
The darkness is scaring me.
I am in too much of fear to wait for the sun.
My tears are my only company.

Why did i disobey my parents?
Why did i have to venture out in the woods alone?


People say that the night is the darkest before the dawn.
Is that true?

I'm not getting any sleep tonight.
Its irritating.

My efforts for the last hour to make me fall off to sleep have all been in vain.

i am too young for sleeping pills.
i am too old for lullabies


i went to bed.the room is hot.
I'm sweating.
this cant be the way to fall off to sleep.

i switch on the AC.
i move from side to side.
Yet no sleep.

i SMS a few people.
get their replies.
NO sleep.

i see the digital clock change numbers from 23.59 to 00.00.
from 00.06 to 00.07
Its was one of the dullest moments in my life.


i get up.
go to the living room
switch on the TV.
I could use some coffee about now.
Bangladesh has just lost 2 wickets.i change the channel.
Star world has some freaky aliens on.i change the channel.
Zee Cafe has some oversexed teens on.i change the channel.
Vh1 has hip hop hustle and snoop doggy dog on.i change the channel.
Cartoon network has some weird kid cartoon on.i change the channel.
Bangladesh is still stuck at the loss of 2 wickets.
i switch off the TV.


I go to my room.
change my clothes.
again.


i go to the bathroom.
stare at my face for a minute.
Curse my face for another minute.
Then i brush my teeth.
again.
i floss my teeth.
again.
i wash my face.
AGAIN.

i come back to bed.i see the clock change from 00.30 to 00.31.

the room is cool now.
The air is just cool enough to snuggle under the bed cover.
i make a mini tent for myself out of the bed cover.
i start humming an Amy lee song.Mom gives me the look.i shut up.
I re-adjust my position.
Stare into space.
Count my sheeps.
Count the number of times Charlie Brown messed up his chances with the football.
How long do i just lie here..?

Its my friends 17th Birthday today.He is giving everyone a treat.I cant go.Mom wont let me.Because apparently who goes to one hour treats after college a day before your Hindi exam??!!

DEFINITELY NOT ME!

Giving my mom the silent treatment now.But i don't think that will last long because I'm expecting a "this is not the way you behave with your elders" speech pretty soon.Sucks.

Today I'm in one of those peculiar moods again.All i feel like doing is sitting on the floor and staring at the wall.Music is just giving me a big headache for some reason.Typing is just too hard to do.Writing is even worse.I cant talk.I cant listen.I can just sit blank.

Coffee could have given me company.I wouldn't mind it.But i don't know where the coffee beans are and i don't have enough energy to actually make one.

I wonder how some people can be so monotonous?How they can do the same thing over and over again?day after day?How do they manage to keep themselves sane?I feel bad for them and their bad luck to lead such lives.

Hope i am not headed towards that.

Funny i had to choose those words.Because hope is the last thing i have now.

I miss school.I miss my school days.

I really do need coffee.