All Along The Watchtower

Its been a good 5 days since i became a "Free bird".



You know, all exams finally done with. No tension. No curfew.No alarm clocks. After a good 2 years.

And 2 days into my newly acquired "Free bird" status, i become "Free bird down. Broken wing."



I now sit at home with a gigantic bump on my head, bruises all over my body( which are actually purple ,red and black), and my right leg's calf muscles twice their original size.



Just to get things cleared, i was not in a brawl over a guy/boy bands/brands i wear/anything pink.

I was in a sort of accident, which was so idiotic, it makes me cry.



I am now at home with a gigantic leg, barely able to move lest I hurt myself, watching old movies , doing random stuff on the net and cursing the heat. Sheesh. Its so very sad.

All this while my friends are out going for lunches, movies, IPL matches, shopping et al.

Boy, do i feel special.



Guess its just me, my leg/bump, ice pack and Shantaram.





P.S- I'm liking the book. I'm barely through the first 100 pages. But i like. Its good.

I always liked nights better than the day. The sky looks so glamorous . Its peacefulness , so comforting. Its openness, so overwhelming.

At this point of my life, 17 years and a few months after i took my first breath in this crazy little cosmos of ours, I'm lost. And confused, as my blog name suggests.
Being a teenager in this country is anything but easy.
Well, its tough whichever country you are in, but somehow our beloved nation just takes the cake.

The pressure to prove oneself to the people, the attempt to suppress certain desires in order to prove oneself to the people, the attempt to suppress that want of rebellion in order to prove oneself to the people, the ignorance of the sheer joys of life like dancing in the rain, talking about all the things under the sun with your friends, going for a trek, getting familiar with nature.. et al.

And for us unlucky ones who have for some God forsaken reason have taken up science so as to make a career out of it( which is like 85% of our Indian population) , we seem to be stuck in the mundane rut of study, assignments, lectures, projects.

And i can firmly say that hardly 7% of the 85% actually enjoy it. I mean, genuinely get a sheer pleasure out of it. While the rest of us, we're just stuck between this eternal struggle of suppressing our true inner talent so we can pick up those hard hats in one hand and computer cables in the other and call ourselves engineers. ( Medicine is even worse. But they're just like 2% of the 85%)
It all disgusts me. The suppression. The one way path. The hypocrisy shown by "society" when that one way path is not taken.

I had been told as a kid that i should take up that one thing as a career which i love. That one subject with which i am ready to spend my whole life. And enjoy it.

But now, as i stand here with a plethora of opinions about which engg college is the best, gives the best placements, pays most money. And why would anyone do anything but engineering? Its the fastest way to get a job and earn decent money.

And i couldn't be more confused.
No wonder the blog land is filled with this huge chunk of Indian teen population bitching about their college/classes/career options/teachers/subjects day after day.
I thought education was all about gaining knowledge, about how you apply it in life.About how it makes u literate to decide the right things in life which clear perspective and reason.And so, it wouldnt matter if one is taking up science or arts or whatever.
It seems anything but that now. All education has become is memorising random facts and vomitting it out, a huge money making marketting thing and another field to show off your power in our so called society.

How it all disgusts me.
Too tired to go on any further. Will continue about this sucky part of our lives later.

P.S - What's worse is that i hear it gets even worse once you are an adult.

Was up till 4 AM talking to him a few days back. We were chatting on about the school days. We didn't know of each other's existence then.I went on about how i was the "hyper" one is school who would run around singing "Staying Alive.. Staying alive!" and the one who would be stealing Gummy Bears from the candy store just for the heck of it ; while he went on about how he was the casanova of his school and how he was the naughty one!

Realised how much both of us have changed since then. Realised how much people around me have changed since that very same day 2 years back. Realised how much we've evolved, learned, experienced.. and also conviniently forgotten lots of other basic stuff in the process too.

Went a stood in the balcony for a few minutes after we said our goodnight's. The moon looked beautiful that night. But it was the breeze which threw me off. Never thought mumbai would get so cold one day.

I'm roaming around the house all day long with a shawl wrapped around myself and wearing socks to keep my feet warm. Making myself a cup of strong black coffee every 3 hours while i'm sniffing and sneezing away to what seems eternity. However stupid i might be looking, I'm enjoying the sudden change of the season!

Anyway,
Its that time in my life again where all eyes have turned to me.

I hate it when it's that.

With boards and my entrance exams coming up, it seems everyone is this house is carrying their patience on their sleeves and are very conviniently loosing it every 5 minutes. There is an anxiety attack every time i approach the TV or the computer. There is another 15 minutes long lecture everytime i reach for my ipod. It can get VERY infuriating... but atleast now i know better.
My parents are just worried so i don't screw up. So people around me can go look through all my faults and mistakes and just smile and say " She got a 90% in her boards you know! She cleared so many exams too!"
I, on the other hand, just dont want to let myself or people i love down again.

And also, I want to get out of this city and inhabit a hostel for the next 4 years. Just for some taste of indipendence for a change.

It's my 17th birthday today.

I have a record of my birthday's starting out as a very depressing day but ending up in pretty cool way.

Same thing today.

Was very depressed coz

1. NO party .. thus, no friends

2. Dad out of town, mom sick .. thus no eating out

3. Dad out of town, mom sick .. no presents

4. I have a Bio prelim paper to prepare for tomorrow



So, there i was 1 AM today morning whining about how i hate my birthday and how the day is going to suck to Pratik. But he had to be all nice and sweet and be all " Dont worry.. it'll be fine".I was glad he was there to tell me that. I Tried to believe him. But couldnt.

Until now.



Nalini, Sejal and Pavithra dropped my place unexpectedly at 3.30 PM. With the most amazing gifts. Nanu gave me " Shopoholic takes on Manhattan" ( i know.. its a girly book.. but its fun!) , Puffy gave me a Black Pink Floyd Shirt from their '94 Dark side of the moon tour.. WOW! It fits me and everything! and its soooo COOL! plus she got me ACDC and guns n roses ka key chains.. hehe!Sej gave me dog tag, and this VERY amazing shirt which look oh-so-awesome on me! Hung out at CCD. Hogged on Chat. Pratik dropped in too( Didnt give me gift! That bitch! Aaahh.. but I'm glad he came anyway :D) . Had pastries from Monginis. Then hung out at my building for almost an hour. I was 2 hours late. Sej and Pratik both ended up bunking their test at 7.



I am so happy and content right now. Not coz of the "CCD" or the gifts...yeah them too.. but especially coz I know i have friends who'll last forever. They made sure i had a brilliant birthday.And Everyone who mattered .. called and wished.

So this is what birthdays are all about .... Friends and chocolate!

Minds in distress
thoughts in a rut
the line has been snapped
the tones have been cut

The kick on the wall
the slam of the door
the frustration brimming
the anger ashore

A pause of silence
then the moment of truth
the thorn pricks the thumb
blood follows the suit

The sense of denial
then the sense of regret
A quick motion of the hand
You hang by a thread