All Along The Watchtower

Minds in distress
thoughts in a rut
the line has been snapped
the tones have been cut

The kick on the wall
the slam of the door
the frustration brimming
the anger ashore

A pause of silence
then the moment of truth
the thorn pricks the thumb
blood follows the suit

The sense of denial
then the sense of regret
A quick motion of the hand
You hang by a thread

Saw a "Globe trekker" Special on Discovery last night.It was based on Pirates and their glorious era. I never really like Pirates or anything related to them.
Ever.
I haven't even seen the "Pirates of the Caribbean" coz the promos bored me to death. But yesterday special turned out to be quite interesting. Megan McCormick ( who I think is very pretty!) ended up going to places like Jamaica , Spain and Peru and stuff... you know, where the pirates would attack the most for gold and all.
Turns out the greatest Pirate of all times( Francis Drake, English pirate ) died on my birthday!

FINE, maybe he died on 28th of Jan 1595, while i was born on 28th Jan 1991... but you get my drift.

Which reminds me.. my birthday is due in about a month or so. I'm kinda bummed that I wont get to celebrate it( stupid board exams!).. so I'm guessing no cool presents either :(
I'm bored now.
I have my English Prelim in sometime.
And I'm too pissed off to figure out if the sentence is Past Perfect or Present continuous.
I think I'll try Peanuts to make me feel better.

I still try to figure out what this blog is actually about.. is it just pages filled with my fears and insecurities.. or just any random bullshit thoughts which seem to occupy my head these days?

Meeh.. it's both i guess.

And I know i am not causing any difficulties to anyone else, considering that no one actually reads this :P ( Except those few whom have no choice but to read as i have a loaded gun against their temples)



Day before was fun. Pratik , Jatin and Rohit performed at Youth Nexus.They competed in this band competiton. Me, Pavithra , Vipin and Elaisha were there to cheer them on. We had a fun time making fun of the other bands which had a pre teenage boy playing the part of Axl Rose and this other dude crooning away a KK single."Rocking" i tell you!

But we all had fun ..commenting loudly on the naked guys strutting their stuff on ramp, drolling over the chinki guys playing football.. quality time, i tell you.

After,we ended up shooting a movie and everything.Took some funny pics of us all too.Shall upload them if i ever get my hands on them.

We decided to stop at Infinity for a piece of grub. But later realised we had money for nothing but a packet of sugar from CCD. So pavithra, myself, pratik and vipin ended up checking out random chicks and trying to figure out who had the best butt.

Hmmph.. a productive day.through and through.






Had to rush back home. Travelled by train for maybe the 7th time in my life( I know,I know, i should be ashamed to call myself a mumbaikar)Was supposed to be home by 6.15 after "Physics Practicals". But took off my shoes at 7.30 instead. Parents were super pissed. But that was totally justified under the circumstances( i had a prelim exam the next day).

So, here i am.. rambling about utter crap.



UH oh.. i feel the disgusting feeling of guilt coming in.

Got my college prelims from tomorrow.

My study desk beckons me.

*Sigh*

I went out for a movie after a good 2 months.

Wait..I rephrase my sentence..

I went OUT to enjoy with my friends after a good 2 months.

Caught up with the new Harry Potter movie. It was fun! And i loved the movie!

But the most weird thing about today was that I ran into my ex-crush today.

I mean, what are the chances that the guy i had a crush on for almost all my school life,the only guy to whom i have confessed my liking for,the only crush who actually liked me back would be in the same mall, watching the same movie at 2.45 PM while sitting in the seat in front of me.
The last time i had met him was in 9th standard. The last time i had contacted him was after my boards.I still can't believe the odds?!

Anyway , it was nice seeing him after so long. I mean, I dont still like him anymore or anything, but it was nice seeing that face again.
Hmmph.. we were are usual distant selves.. I found out he got into Manipal. Was pleased to know that.

Life sure is funny. One moment you think that this guy is "the one" for you ( Hey.. i was just a 12 year old kid reading "Love stories" and "SVH" during my hindi lectures!), the next moment you are actually confessing to the guy that you have had a crush on him forever ,then you just think " Oh.. so I'll guess I'll see around..Say..10 years?" and then you just run into them randomly when you least expect it.. and all these silly memories come rushing back..
I sure have had some good times...


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I just finished reading this book called "Can you keep a secret?" by Sophie Kinsella.

And it is such an extraordinary read.
Its a fun book. Almost every chick will like it.
It is just so realistic.. and just so amazing!
The whole "Secret keeping" concept she put across was outstanding!
Its a great book to pick up on the days you are feeling too low, and too bored to do anything else.

I mean, if guys really want to know what usually on most normal girls mind , pick up this book and be confused..
and if girls want to be rolling of their beds in laughter, and going "Oh my god! That is soo like me!"..they have to do nothing else but pick up this book!

My classes timings have been changed again.I'm happy.

I'm especially happy because now I'll be able to walk back home.



Don't know why people underestimate a good ol' walk.Its good when you have company, you have so much to talk about.Its even better when you're alone.You get to notice the small things around you which you normally wouldn't.Or if you really aren't in the "observing mode", you can just drown yourself in you own thoughts.

Anyway, Back to the point

In my last post, i had written about how much I'm going to miss enjoying my "actual" summer days like i used to.But during my walk back home, i realised that I still am enjoying my summer like i used to.Maybe at a much smaller scale.But I am.The elemental fun is still there.



I'm still loving the long cold shower after i come back from the heat.

Mangoes are in the market now.I still get to eat mangoes like a true Bengali! ;)

I still get to beg my mom to have ice cream.

I still get to consume an entire 1.5 litre Coldrink in a day flat.

I still get to gulp down cup after cup of cold coffee.

I still get to roam around the house in my dad's massive shirts.

Irrespective of him complaining in the background on how suddenly his number of shirts have reduced.



I just don't get to go to Kolkatta for a few weeks.Meet relative after relative.And hear about how much I have grown up and on how these unidentified "blood relations" of me had seen me last when i was tiny and bald.





Instead i get to study hour after hour and complete unbelievable amount of homework.



And Just when i thought i could live through these next few summers and just when i thought i could try and convince myself how these summers are not different from the other summers at all,well..memories of old forgotten "best friends" and "badminton partners" come flooding back as i see a couple of 10 year old's hurry past me discussing what all they will be playing this evening.


But the "Beep Beep" from my cell phone and an SMS saying "HEY ash, whats the hw for the cet lecture tomrw?" brings me back to ground reality.

It is a beautiful day today.

I look out of the window , its "summer" sunny after almost a year , cool breezes blowing , birds chirping , i see hordes of groups playing cricket , there is a sweet smell in the air today.
These summer mornings remind me of my childhood days( not that i am not a child anymore!)

Rewind: 7 years back
By this time of the year, summer breaks would be on , there would still be a few weeks left till our family left for Kolkatta.
On morning like this, i would wake up at 10, eat bread and ketchup for breakfast, call up my friends in my society and plan a picnic!
Then minutes after, we would be downstairs with our clips,bedsheets, biscuits,board games and badminton racquet's.
We would put up the bedsheets , make a temporary house amongst the trees , and have amazing fun till our mothers would get fed up and take us home in the evenings for our glass of milk.
We would play badminton , catch the crock, lock and key , langdi and what not!
Studies , scoldings and a routine were all immaterial to us then.
We would instead run around our society chasing dogs or in search of marble pieces to play sakli in the evening.
We would sit below the peepal tree behind our society in the afternoon and spook each other with weird ghosts stories.
We would scout for non-existing thieves around our colony on our bicycles.
We would race from one end of the colony to the other, to see who is fastest.
We would beg our mothers for Rs.5 to go buy a Max orange Popsicle from the shop next door.
And then run, skip and jump to the shop to buy that Popsicle while singing "Barbie Girl" By Aqua.



Fast Forward: a 7 years skip
I am now in a different society , its my summer "break" now.
I'm waking up at 6.30 and having milk and fruits for breakfast , studying , calling friends and whining about how much there is to do, and then attending lectures from 2 pm to 9.30 pm, then coming home and collapsing on the bed.

And I wont even be leaving for Kolkatta in a few weeks.
I miss my Grandparents.
I miss my cousins.
I miss mangoes.
I miss those days!
Especially on days like these!

Life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride for the past few days.
Dad came back from Africa.
Dad getting a new Job.
Classes duration increasing from 3 hours to 7 hours daily.
I took the left road.Not the right one.


Met up with my school friends as well as my new college friends today.Had a blast.I laughed SO hard that my stomach is still facing the Consequences.



But My classes ka notice really freaked me out today.
I'm going to have 7 hours of lecture everyday from the 9th of april.
Just for MHT-CET and HSC.
What are going to happen to my dream of getting into BITS pilani?
I actually thought i could finish the CBSE portion on my own.But this schedule just screws things up.Its screws things up BAD.


IIT,i realised, is not my cup of tea.I am have already wasted enough time to actually prepare for it.Plus, as i realised is that not getting in IIT is not that big a deal.Its just another institute now.Maybe it was not JUST another institute 10 years back.But it is now.


That reminds me, Dad gave me an hour long lecture on how I should study economics after 12th of i dont get into a good engg college. "That is another short cut to getting an MBA degree because thats what you wnat in the end of the day isnt it?" were my Dad's exact words.
He said " I have seen the world.And i know for a fact that engineers dont rule the world.The managers , and the economists and the financial analysts do."

Anyway, back to the point.Classes for 12th and MHT-CET for 7 hours a day.
Hell.

I am scared.I really am.
I am scared of becoming a failure.
Scared of disappointing my parents all over again.
Scared of loosing self-respect again.
Scared of people.Scared of people the most.

I am still losts in the woods.
The owls are hooting.
I can hear the tiger roaring.
The darkness is scaring me.
I am in too much of fear to wait for the sun.
My tears are my only company.

Why did i disobey my parents?
Why did i have to venture out in the woods alone?


People say that the night is the darkest before the dawn.
Is that true?

I'm not getting any sleep tonight.
Its irritating.

My efforts for the last hour to make me fall off to sleep have all been in vain.

i am too young for sleeping pills.
i am too old for lullabies


i went to bed.the room is hot.
I'm sweating.
this cant be the way to fall off to sleep.

i switch on the AC.
i move from side to side.
Yet no sleep.

i SMS a few people.
get their replies.
NO sleep.

i see the digital clock change numbers from 23.59 to 00.00.
from 00.06 to 00.07
Its was one of the dullest moments in my life.


i get up.
go to the living room
switch on the TV.
I could use some coffee about now.
Bangladesh has just lost 2 wickets.i change the channel.
Star world has some freaky aliens on.i change the channel.
Zee Cafe has some oversexed teens on.i change the channel.
Vh1 has hip hop hustle and snoop doggy dog on.i change the channel.
Cartoon network has some weird kid cartoon on.i change the channel.
Bangladesh is still stuck at the loss of 2 wickets.
i switch off the TV.


I go to my room.
change my clothes.
again.


i go to the bathroom.
stare at my face for a minute.
Curse my face for another minute.
Then i brush my teeth.
again.
i floss my teeth.
again.
i wash my face.
AGAIN.

i come back to bed.i see the clock change from 00.30 to 00.31.

the room is cool now.
The air is just cool enough to snuggle under the bed cover.
i make a mini tent for myself out of the bed cover.
i start humming an Amy lee song.Mom gives me the look.i shut up.
I re-adjust my position.
Stare into space.
Count my sheeps.
Count the number of times Charlie Brown messed up his chances with the football.
How long do i just lie here..?

Its my friends 17th Birthday today.He is giving everyone a treat.I cant go.Mom wont let me.Because apparently who goes to one hour treats after college a day before your Hindi exam??!!

DEFINITELY NOT ME!

Giving my mom the silent treatment now.But i don't think that will last long because I'm expecting a "this is not the way you behave with your elders" speech pretty soon.Sucks.

Today I'm in one of those peculiar moods again.All i feel like doing is sitting on the floor and staring at the wall.Music is just giving me a big headache for some reason.Typing is just too hard to do.Writing is even worse.I cant talk.I cant listen.I can just sit blank.

Coffee could have given me company.I wouldn't mind it.But i don't know where the coffee beans are and i don't have enough energy to actually make one.

I wonder how some people can be so monotonous?How they can do the same thing over and over again?day after day?How do they manage to keep themselves sane?I feel bad for them and their bad luck to lead such lives.

Hope i am not headed towards that.

Funny i had to choose those words.Because hope is the last thing i have now.

I miss school.I miss my school days.

I really do need coffee.